Interstellar Adventures

April 12, 2005


Filed under: Uncategorized — by InterstellarLass @ 2:44 pm

So today is a really “down” day. I had been feeling better the past few days. Positive. Hopeful. Joyful. Accomplished. But not today. I cried myself to sleep last night. Not the first time, certainly not the last.

D says he was never in love with me. He tried for almost 11 years to love me, but never did. And now, he’s decided that’s long enough to have tried and is gone. It was OK for him to depend on me, trust me, confide in me, ask for support from me, be my best friend, lover, partner. As long as he needed it.

I’m not perfect. I never claimed to be. I have many faults and flaws as does everyone. When you care about someone, the flaws don’t matter as much as the good characteristics they have. Not for D. It has to be all good or he can’t deal. There are many things I could have improved on. I did improve many things. I am very good at so many things. Not enough.

The hard part is that I still want him. Or do I? At times I do. Other times I know that I will be just fine on my own. I know that I can overcome anything. I have overcome so much in 30 years already. What’s one more obstacle? It’s just at this point, you expect to have someone to share the challenges with.

If think that if I didn’t have kids, it wouldn’t be as hard. You just have yourself to pick up at that point. But, I have a daddy’s girl who cries as much as I do that her daddy is gone. She wants to call him in the morning when she wakes up, before she goes to bed, misses him at the table at dinner, and is always wondering when the next time she’ll get to see him will be. I have a son that longs for his dad to sit and talk with him at night. He’s old enough now that he needs that “guy talk” that he just can’t get from me. He knows I cry and he feels bad for me.

That’s the hardest part. Looking at my kids, knowing they are in pain, and hurting more, wondering what I could have done better, if I could have done anything better. I can’t control D. I know that. I never could. I can’t change his mind, I can’t change his heart. I can only control me, my attitude, my heart (well, can you control that?), my actions.

I’ll be the best mom I can be to my kids. I’ll treat myself right. I’ll depend on my family and friends when I need them. I’ll cry when I need to. I’ll laugh as often as I can. The pain and sorrow and disappointment is intense; sickening at times. What lies ahead? I’ll never know till tomorrow. Until then I’ll take a deep breath, live today, plan for what I can, set goals and priorities and make the best of what I’ve got. I will not let this defeat me!

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