Interstellar Adventures

April 12, 2005

gut-wrenching

Filed under: Uncategorized — by InterstellarLass @ 2:44 pm

So today is a really “down” day. I had been feeling better the past few days. Positive. Hopeful. Joyful. Accomplished. But not today. I cried myself to sleep last night. Not the first time, certainly not the last.

D says he was never in love with me. He tried for almost 11 years to love me, but never did. And now, he’s decided that’s long enough to have tried and is gone. It was OK for him to depend on me, trust me, confide in me, ask for support from me, be my best friend, lover, partner. As long as he needed it.

I’m not perfect. I never claimed to be. I have many faults and flaws as does everyone. When you care about someone, the flaws don’t matter as much as the good characteristics they have. Not for D. It has to be all good or he can’t deal. There are many things I could have improved on. I did improve many things. I am very good at so many things. Not enough.

The hard part is that I still want him. Or do I? At times I do. Other times I know that I will be just fine on my own. I know that I can overcome anything. I have overcome so much in 30 years already. What’s one more obstacle? It’s just at this point, you expect to have someone to share the challenges with.

If think that if I didn’t have kids, it wouldn’t be as hard. You just have yourself to pick up at that point. But, I have a daddy’s girl who cries as much as I do that her daddy is gone. She wants to call him in the morning when she wakes up, before she goes to bed, misses him at the table at dinner, and is always wondering when the next time she’ll get to see him will be. I have a son that longs for his dad to sit and talk with him at night. He’s old enough now that he needs that “guy talk” that he just can’t get from me. He knows I cry and he feels bad for me.

That’s the hardest part. Looking at my kids, knowing they are in pain, and hurting more, wondering what I could have done better, if I could have done anything better. I can’t control D. I know that. I never could. I can’t change his mind, I can’t change his heart. I can only control me, my attitude, my heart (well, can you control that?), my actions.

I’ll be the best mom I can be to my kids. I’ll treat myself right. I’ll depend on my family and friends when I need them. I’ll cry when I need to. I’ll laugh as often as I can. The pain and sorrow and disappointment is intense; sickening at times. What lies ahead? I’ll never know till tomorrow. Until then I’ll take a deep breath, live today, plan for what I can, set goals and priorities and make the best of what I’ve got. I will not let this defeat me!

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5 Comments »

  1. Let me know if I can help with anything.

    Comment by C — April 12, 2005 @ 6:13 pm |Reply

  2. I sympathize with you. I’m recently divorced and have four kids (ages 14-20). I will *never* forget the look in my children’s eyes when I told them their father had left. It hurts to even think about it.

    That was almost two years ago (ex and I were separated for a while before making it final). Some things are better, some things are worse. And, I’m *still* attracted to him. I wish I weren’t. It would make things easier.

    I don’t have any words of wisdom for you, but maybe it will help a bit to know you’re not alone.

    Comment by Musing — April 12, 2005 @ 7:24 pm |Reply

  3. I don’t know what to say but want desperately to say something. When I recently left my husband, he didn’t want it and said HE loved ME. But the pain of seeing him with another woman was too much for me to bear. I couldn’t stand the disrespect. I was humiliated and hope that your husband was at least able to leave you with your dignity. It will get better. I sense you are aware of this. Walk tall with your head high.
    Peace

    Comment by Helen — April 13, 2005 @ 7:08 am |Reply

  4. Ending a marriage is never easy. In my case, it was by mutual agreement and we were fortunate not to have children, but even still I feel the occasional hurt and pain at what could have been. But it does getter better.

    Interstellar lass, remember that;
    1) You are human and you have the right to remain human. You have the right to your flaws and faults, as well as your good points, it’s what makes you the person you are.
    2) You have the right to your dignity.
    3) You also have the right to be miserable, you have the right to have a good cry without feeling that you’ve ‘let the side down’.

    These were all things I eventually decided for myself and helped me along.

    I hope it gets better for you, I know that eventually you will pull through

    Take care

    Culfy

    Comment by culfy — April 13, 2005 @ 9:00 am |Reply

  5. I know its really hard at times, but you can get through it, it will take time though. My wife of 9 1/2 years left me in May of 2003, and it took a good year and half before I really was right again. It’s somewhat similar in that she also told me that she’s not sure if she had ever loved me, but then after we were divorced, she brought up the idea of trying again…I couldn’t deal with that roller coaster. I can see now that it was an unhealthy relationship in a lot of ways and that I’m better off now. You will be too. If you ever need to talk, I’d be glad to try to help in any way.

    bruce at bostonsportsmedia dot com

    Comment by B — April 14, 2005 @ 3:29 pm |Reply


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