Interstellar Adventures

November 5, 2005

Genesis

Filed under: Uncategorized — by InterstellarLass @ 8:02 am

Thank you all for the well-wishes and support yesterday. I knew that so many people were thinking of me, and I knew that as painful as this journey has been, it was the right thing.

I made myself stop crying long enough yesterday morning to get my makeup on. Then I didn’t allow myself to cry because then I would mess up my perfect makeup. ‘Cause you all know when you go to divorce court, you gotta look damn good. My best black suit, highest heels (that would make me taller than the Ex), elegant hairstyle. Yeah, that should do it.

I don’t know why I bothered to call him for directions, because he’s the most directionally challenged person I know. I was unsure about the ones I had from the County website. And, my instincts were right. He didn’t really help much with “turn here, go a couple of miles and there it is”. I get to where I think I’m supposed to be, search around for him, then finally find someone to ask. Nope, there’s another court building where divorce cases are heard. Great. Now that I have the right directions I find the place.

As I’m pulling into the parking lot, a song comes on the radio, Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off, that made me smile. I really needed to smile and hearing that gave me a little spring in my step and the energy to walk in the door.

Fifth floor, Auxiliary Court 1. I open the door and see him on the other side of the mini-gallery. I say nothing. Simply sit and wait. He finally sees me and says nothing, but knows I’m there. I refuse to let myself cry in front of him, even though the emotion is welling up inside.

The bailiff walks in, “All rise.”, and we stand. The judge walks in with a stack of files and sits down. We all sit. He picks up a file and calls a name. No one responds. He hands the file to the bailiff. He picks up another file and calls another name. A woman and her attorney walk to the front. A series of scripted questions is asked, to which the woman responds with yes and no answers. A divorce is granted. It’s like the judge doesn’t even realize what he’s saying. It all just comes out like an automaton. The woman, now divorced and with her maiden name, walks out the door.

The judge picks up another file. He calls our name. He walks to the front with his attorney, I walk up and stand somewhat behind him. His attorney asks him a similar series of scripted questions to which he replies with yes and no answers. The judge asks me if I wish to testify. I say no. Again, I refuse to cry in front of him or the judge or his lawyer or the bailiff or the court reporter. I am stronger than that. The divorce is granted. Again, with the same automatic response.

Look at him and then turn and walk out the door. Down the elevator and back to my car. I finally let the tears come. Not out of love lost, but out of disappointment. Years that don’t seem like they matter anymore, but those that I put so much into. I drove home slowly, taking some backroads. I saw some gorgeous fall color along a small country road. I cry a little more along the way. He calls. “Are you OK?” I’m fine I reply. “That wasn’t what I thought it would be.” he said. No, it wasn’t I say. “OK, well have a good weekend.” I just hung up the phone. The jerk couldn’t even bother to wear a tie to our divorce.

I spent a little bit of time being quiet. Feeling sad but not needing to cry anymore. I went and had a quiet breakfast, read the paper, did the crossword. My friend Amy called to check on me. Then Nick called and came to join me for breakfast. His last day at work, and he went home early. He starts a new job Monday. We ate breakfast and talked. He was just there for me. Then we went and walked around the mall, talking some more. Then to Starbucks. We picked up the kids and went to a pizza place for dinner. Then went to buy Star Wars Episode III and watched it at home. After we put the kids to bed, we sat on the couch and talked more. He was just there for me. He even asked if I needed to cry more. He said, “If you need to cry more, it’s OK.”. But I didn’t want to. I am finally done crying for him.

I’ve almost been an unmarried woman for 24 hours now. It feels good. I have two great kids, a wonderful man in my life that I can depend on and trust. He taught my kids how to do this quarter trick last night. Put the quarters on your elbow, then catch them off the end. They’re practicing it right now. Zed’s up to $3.25. Elle’s still on $.25.

This is going to be good.

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