Interstellar Adventures

June 15, 2006

I have great ovaries!

Filed under: Married Life,Mom Life — by InterstellarLass @ 3:16 pm

I started this post earlier, then deleted it, and now I’m writing it again. The sono tech at my OB/Gyn office this morning told me I have great ovaries. Now that’s not a compliment you hear every day! If you wanted to get pregnant, you wouldn’t have any problems! she chirped. I just laughed nervously as I lay there on the half-table, feet in stirrups, with a thin “blanket” over my lap for privacy. It would be a miracle. I replied. I had a tubal three years ago.

That’s when I thought I didn’t want any more children. One boy + one girl + job + tight finances = we’re done. See, I’m fertile like the Nile delta. I’ve often joked that if a guy even looked at me and thought about having relations, I’m sure I’d get knocked up. Both Zed and Elle were the result of a missed pill on the wrong day. I had both my kids before the age of 24. My mom had four before she was 30. With childcare prices what they are, it seemed to make sense to not have any more surprises. I never imagined I’d get divorced. And, when I did, I figured that I wouldn’t marry for some time. And if I did, he’d probably have kids too and we’d be just like the Brady Bunch.

See, when you try to predict life, it throws you some curve balls. I’ve now met and married a wonderful man that I love to the ends of the Earth. And I’m sad that I will never feel his baby growing inside me. I’m sad that we’ll never get to experience the joy of seeing our child come into this world. I’m sad that while we can share everything else in this world, there is that one thing that we will never share together. Elle loves him to pieces, and Zed thinks he’s cool. Despite his protesting and facade, Nick is a great step-dad. He comforts, corrects, plays, cares for and loves my children. But a baby of our own is out of the picture.

On one hand, I think that this is just an emotion that will eventually go away. Zed is 11, Elle will be 8 soon. Nick and I are talking and planning for the future. Where we’d like to go and what we’d like to do when the kids are grown up. Elle has, of course, insisted that she’s going to live with us forever. It doesn’t make sense for us to ‘start over’ again. My mom spent 30 years with kids in the house. She’s now all alone and doesn’t know what to do with herself. Kids were her life for the last 32 years. I don’t want that to be me.

On the other hand, I’ve been struggling with this for some time. On some days I think I’m done with it. On other days, the emotion is so overwhelming it brings me to tears. A girlfriend of mine is expecting, and when she told us, while I was happy for her, I felt a jealous twitch in my heart, and I cried. When I see babies, I want to pick them up and squish them and kiss them. I dream about them. But I don’t think it’s meant to be.

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