Interstellar Adventures

September 10, 2008

Republican vs Democrat

Filed under: Funnies — by InterstellarLass @ 8:56 am

 

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, ‘Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, ‘You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, ‘You must be a Republican.

‘I am,’ replied the man. ‘How did you know?

‘Well,’ answered the balloonist, ‘everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.

The man smiled and responded, ‘You must be a Democrat.

‘I am,’ replied the balloonist. ‘How did you know?

‘Well,’ said the man, ‘you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You’ve risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it’s my fault.

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August 18, 2007

Quotable Quotes

Filed under: Funnies,It's Me, Lass — by InterstellarLass @ 8:34 am

Nick: Seriously, the more you read, the easier it is to write.

Me: Really? Maybe that’s why I haven’t been able to write lately. I haved readed anything in a long time.

*Pause*

Me: OMG. I’m going illiterate!

August 14, 2007

Product Development

Filed under: Funnies,Married Life,Mr. Wonderful — by InterstellarLass @ 10:09 am

Animals are attracted by scents. Different species have their smells. The male animals can smell when a female is in heat. Other males can smell the alpha male’s territory by the scent they leave behind. Family members identify each other through smell. Natural phermones and all that stuff.

While I don’t think I can ever go so far au naturale as Matthew Mcconaughey (he claims to have not worn deodorant in way too many years), I have to admit, as a woman, I kind of like it when my man smells a little sweaty. There’s a certain raw sexiness to the natural smell of a man.

Last night, laying in bed, I caught a whiff of Nick, and the phermones did their job. I’ve heard of perfumers using phermones in their scents to make them more attractive to the opposite sex. And so I joked to him that we should bottle his sexy smell. But then I decided it wouldn’t work, because part of the attraction to me is his hairy chest. Nick’s reply:

“Well, we’ll throw a couple of chest hairs in the bottle too. It’ll be like the worm at the bottom of the tequila bottle.”

I laughed my ass off. Moment gone.

March 15, 2007

How you know you have too much time on your hands

Filed under: Funnies — by InterstellarLass @ 12:44 pm

This guy memorized pi to over 12,000 places. My brain would be mush if I tried to memorize to 10 places. I used to think I was semi-intelligent…now I’m not so sure!

February 20, 2007

Love is a Coupon

Filed under: Funnies,It's Me, Lass — by InterstellarLass @ 6:38 pm

Dear InterstellarLass,

Thank you! Many people shop with us, but few are as loyal to you. We also know that you’ve secretly been considering a loyalty shift to Tom Thumb, as they offer airline miles for every dollar spent. And they have a fuel center at their store, so you can get airline miles AND 10 cents off every gallon after spending $100 in groceries. To bribe you into shopping with us show our appreciation, we’ve teamed up with some of your favorite brands to bring you extra BEST-CUSTOMER-ONLY savings on products you can use.

Blah Blah Blah.

Sincerely,
President of the Kroger Southwest

Enclosed with the lovely letter above were indeed several coupons that made my heart skip with glee. $2.00 off $10.00 spent in the Meat Department! $3.00 off $15.00 spent in the Produce Department! $6.00 off $60.00 when you spend in one transaction*. Those were the biggies. There were also $9.10 in other coupons for products that I do buy. My heart sped up, my eyes brightened. I was jonesing for the flourescent lights and piped-in music. It’s not enough that I spent $101.15 Sunday night (and saved $22.55 – or 18% of my grocery bill – in Coupon, Bonus Coupon and Kroger Plus Savings).

No, they want more. And the clencher? They happen to be adding a Fuel Center at my very own Signature Kroger! Joy! Rapture! Glee! No more carefully calculated trips to my nearest Fuel Center (one block over and 8 lights up) that’s just slightly out of my way from my normal daily activities.

Boy, I sure do go cheap, don’t I. Throw me a convenient 10 cents off per gallon of gas and $18.10 in coupons, and I’m yours. You sure know me Kroger. I knew our love was strong.  

*Total excludes Alcohol, Tobacco Products, Fuel, Gift Cards, Taxes, Prescriptions, and Customer Care Center Services.

January 31, 2007

Just for Fun

Filed under: Elle & Zed,Funnies — by InterstellarLass @ 10:16 am

Yesterday Zed called me at work because he needed 2 things: Paint and reeds. Paint for a science project he was finishing, and reeds for his clarient. Then I asked him if he needed anything else. His reply? Just a hug from my mommy. All together now: AWWWWWW!

I usually roll my eyes at email forwards and links sent to me. But yesterday I laughed my butt off at this video. And then, there’s this poor guy. He just can’t catch a break.

And, my apologies in advance to Mexicans, Yankees, vaccums, Harley riders, divorcees, the Pillsbury Dough Boy, men, blondes, attorneys, women, dogs, bunnies, porcupines, Rednecks, Rabbis, the Chinese, people from Arkansas, Italians, the Irish, and sweet little old ladies. But I laughed. (more…)

December 20, 2006

Christmas Funnies

Filed under: Funnies — by InterstellarLass @ 10:30 am

Christmas Carols for the Disturbed

1. Schizophrenia – Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder – We Three Kings Disoriented Are
3. Dementia – I Think I’ll be Home for Christmas
4. Narcissistic – Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic – Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and…
6. Paranoid – Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me 
7. Borderline Personality Disorder – Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire 
8. Personality Disorder – You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll Tell You Why 
9. Attention Deficit Disorder – Silent night, Holy ooh look at the froggy – can I have a chocolate, why is
France so far away? 
10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder – Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells …

And, special, just for my honey bunny Nick…

11. General Anxiety Disorder – The Twelve Days of Christmas!?!? 12 days! How am I supposed to get all these things in 12 days! I’ll never get it all done. And who wants a pear tree anway? Can you get them at the store? A partridge? WTH? Would they settle for a Partridge Family DVD? Where do you even find French Hens? How can you tell the difference between French Hens and regular hens? Do the French ones surrender their eggs??? Gahhh!

Just wait…one day it’ll happen…

Techie Christmas

September 13, 2006

Um? Hello? Anyone in there?

Filed under: Brain Farts,Funnies,Texas Life — by InterstellarLass @ 12:54 pm

This morning I woke up about an hour and a half before I usually do. I was going to make a foray (again) to the DMV. I was going to get there before they opened at 7 a.m. and be waiting for the doors to unlock. This was a good plan. I got there at 6:40 a.m. The only problem is about twenty other people had better plans, as they were already in line outside the DMV. Poop.

On the way there I had stopped to get a Starbucks and a paper. You know, amuse myself and wake up while standing in line.

Drive Thru Speaker: Good Morning! Welcome to Starbucks. May I take your order?
She was entirely too chirpy for her own good.
Me: Yes please, I’d like a venti non-fat latte and a Dallas Morning News.
Drive Thru Speaker: That’s a venti non-fat latte and a Dallas Morning News. Can I get you a blueberry muffin or a coffee cake this morning?
Me: No, that will be all thank you.
Drive Thru Speaker: Very well, I’ll have your total at the window.
I pull forward and around the driveway.
Drive Thru Guy: Your total is $4.23.
I hand Drive Thru Guy my credit card and he hands me my paper.
Drive Thru Guy: Do you need your receipt?
Me: Yes please.
Drive Thru Guy hands me my receipt and my latte.
Drive Thru Guy: Have a nice day.
Me: Thanks. You too.
I put my coffee in my cup holder.
I sit. After a few moments:
Drive Thru Guy: Did I miss something?
Me: No that’s everything.
And I sit. After a few more moments:
Drive Thru Guy: Did I get everything?
Me: Yes, I’m fine.
Drive Thru Guy stares at me. I stare back at him. I look at my coffee. I look at my paper.
Me: Oh, I guess I need to go!

I drove off, very embarassed. I am not a morning person.

P.S. If you got a sec, go see Cara and wish her a Bappy Hurpday!

September 8, 2006

And I still haven’t found what I’m looking for…

Filed under: Funnies — by InterstellarLass @ 8:35 am

Some of the more interesting searches people have executed and then found me. Really. Why do people wonder these things?

ass hair sweat – OK Sasquatch. Get out the depillatory cream and have at it.

sweaty women work out – Yes, when people exercise they sweat. Even women. Yeah, yeah, there’s the whole “I don’t sweat, I glow thing” but it’s just B.S. When I work out, I sweat.

fried egg on bald head – I hadn’t thought of this before…but maybe we’ll have to give it a try with Nick!

Warn women about my ex – Oooh! This is a good one! What did he do? Is he a real ass? Please send pictures and we’ll put out an APB to avoid him!

I lost control of my bladder after I run – Well, depending on how far you ran, this could be possible. But, also consider that it may be just sweat. I too thought I lost control of my bladder once, but it just turned out to be sweat from my shorts. Thank goodness.

my sister is taller – Rub it in. Those two inches meant a lot to me. 

Do you, did you, were you – Do I what? Did I what? Was I? My curiosity is getting the better of me!

ice bath tortures – I hear it’s actually better to do this in a large trash can rather than the bathtub. Makes sense. Just make sure you can get out by yourself!

kids running wild – Not at my house. Banshees are banned.

wish you a happy life together – Awww! Thanks!

Have a great weekend! Nick and I are still recovering from our headcold/sinus infections. I must warn you that Claritin D will dry you out. Like the desert. I’m not sure what’s worse. Stuffy sinuses or dry sinuses.

August 11, 2006

#1 Search Terms

Filed under: Brain Farts,Funnies — by InterstellarLass @ 7:36 am

First off, congrats to the Power G**glers that figured out that Team America: World Police is the movie other than a Star Trek film that uses Qapla. Nick made me watch it. It was awful. Interestingly enough, or not, the night after I posed this bit of trivia, I was watching Southpark, and it was used again…this time by a cuckoo-for-coco-puffs Mel Gibson running around in his underwear and shouting “Qapla! Qapla! Qapla!”. It premiered before recent incidents as well…funny!

We all have stat counters, and we all watch our hits go up, and we all wonder how people get to our site. I’ve had some funny ones, but unlike Lucinda (or Lindsay, whichever you prefer, she still rocks) I’m not creative enough to come up with a really juicy snark on people. Plus it would look like I’m totally stealing one of her segments. I am not a thief! But I was noticing I’m getting a lot of hits from search terms, and so I G**gled them to see where I fell in ranking. The following search terms resulted in me being the #1 hit.

  • Workout Divas – I snark on these two ladies at the gym just one time, and look!
  • + “i love pantyhose” =blog – Great. Now the fetish people have me in their crosshairs.
  • teen baby sister – Uh. I’m not sure if this is good or bad.
  • “dr pain” blog – Again with the fetish. I really must find a new nickname for him.
  • wild west relay pictures – Your one-stop-shop for all the greatness that is the Wild West Relay. Next year, next year.
  • autumn equinox 15k – Maybe the race directors should advertise with me. Give me money!
  • why leg goes numb when running – Well, if I have to have a sciatic nerve issue, at least it’s getting me hits.
  • “interstellar lass” – Gasp! People are actually looking for little ‘ol me?!? Shocking!
  • “funny menu names” – Well, who doesn’t want a chuckle over dinner? Good way to break the ice on a first date.
  • dancing naked in the moonlight – Doesn’t everyone?
  • ta daaaa – A dramatic exclamation never felt so good!
  • “lacy pink bra” – I don’t own one!

So there you go. I’m sure there are more, and there were a few I was too scared to search. Naked mechanical bull riding? Uh no. Thanks. Actually…on second thought…

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